Navigating perspectives

Communication is a lot of work.  In work, in friendships, in a marriage—whatever the arena effective communication isn’t always easy, and getting to be an effective part in a communicating relationship isn’t always fun.  Flash back to earlier this week:  My husband and I had a conversation about the plans for the upcoming weekend and into the next week (as my mother was going to be in town).  We were both equally apart of the conversation, and yet, we each heard two totally different things.  We didn’t realize that the other one had a totally different interaction and recollection of the same conversation until yesterday when the topic of the weekend activities came up.  And just like that things got uncomfortable as we talked and attempted to navigate how we each ended up at our respective outlooks of the conversation.  And we did navigate our way through it, it wasn’t easy, but we did it.  It doesn’t mean that there won’t ever be misunderstandings or miscommunications again and the trials of navigating those issues.

Yesterday was different.  I don’t know if my husband and I were different in how we handled the situation, or if my perception of the situation and outcome was different in light of the recent visit to my therapist’s office and my commitment to accept grace and give gratitude in each day.  But at the end of that conversation, I looked at my husband and have never felt so much love for him.  It was a feeling of love for him that I haven’t felt before. He was the most open and vulnerable I have seen him (or arguable been open to seeing him) before.  Don’t get me wrong, some of what he said was hard to hear, but it was genuine. 

I would have rather not found myself in a situation of misunderstanding and miscommunication, but I could not be more pleased with the outcome. 

The opposite of anxiety is faith...

I was sitting in my therapist's* office yesterday, when I promptly burst into tears.  Me bursting into tears, you see, isn't an uncommon occurrence these days.  I have experienced major life changing events in the last 2-2.5 years which have taken me to my highest highs, and my lowest lows.  There was a study done in the 70s, now known as the Holmes-Rhae Stress Study, which takes into account life events and/or changes (each of which is assigned a points value) and calculates your likelihood of become sick (potentially seriously) within the next 2 years.  Scoring as follows:

Score of 300+: At risk of illness.
Score of 150-299+: Risk of illness is moderate. (reduced by || 30% from the above risk)
Score 150-: Slight risk of illness.

I scored 333 (80% likely to have serious illness).   Needless to say that I have, or have had, a lot of stressors in my life recently.  Which brings me to yesterday, crying in my therapist's office.  When I was done talking about the stress and discomfort that I have been feeling, she looked at me and said one of the most profound things I think I have ever heard.  She said, "You are stressed and anxious, but you already know that.  But do you know what the opposite of anxiety is?  It is faith.  Faith that things will be OK.  Faith that it isn't all some cruel joke. Faith in your life and your journey.  And in your case, faith in YOU."  It was one of those Oprah Ah-ha moments for me--that I am lacking faith.  And I don't mean faith in a higher power or deity, although that could be part of it, I mean faith in life. Faith that where I am now is where I mean to be.  Faith that everything will be OK, even if doesn't turn out the way I planned/wanted/wished.  Faith in myself, that I am enough.  Which was another one of the Ah-ha moments I had yesterday, that I suffer from a chronic case of lacking enough-edness.  That I don't enough, that I don't give enough, that I am not enough.

I am a lot of things.  Daughter. Sister. Wife. Friend. Aunt. Why is it that "faithful" and "enough" aren't two of the things that I am?  How did I get here, and how do I get out?  This blog is my commitment to myself.  That there is grace and gratitude in each day, and that I will be open to receiving grace giving gratitude daily, no matter how large or small and whatever form they come in.

So away I go on this journey.  "I" go on this journey because it is MY journey, but also because I have no followers following me.  And that's OK.  I have faith (or am working on it) that if my journey is meant to be "followed" that friend or stranger will find it when it's meant for them.

Peace and Blessings on this day.
~Emily

*A note on therapy.  I am a believer in therapists.  Having an impartial 3rd party to listen to you, and whatever it is that brought you to their office.  Therapy and therapists are, however, a highly personal thing.  It may sound cliche (or a lot like dating), and is 100% my personal opinion, but if you don't click with the person, move on.  You have to feel a connection with the person.  A therapist is going to see you at your most vulnerable states, help you work on and through, crap in your life.  And I do mean crap with all the love in the world.  That could be family troubles, death, marriage, mid-life crisis, anything.   And the reason connection is important is because you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truly work on whatever brought you there.  Now, I know that therapy isn't for everyone, and I won't push it on anyone.